Communication Killers: Blame

1. assign responsibility for a fault or wrong.

   “The board of inquiry blamed the engineer for the accident”

What it looks like in relationships

Blame often takes the form of score-keeping where one person says, “Well I wouldn’t have yelled at you had you paid better attention and not dinged the car door!” It can also take the form of overt assigning of fault: “This is your fault because you are never careful enough.” You’ll notice that the word “never” adds an element of criticism as well. Technically, blame is associated with defensiveness, so be on the lookout for it if you are feeling defensive! Blame won’t help as much as you might think in the heat-of-the-moment.

Regardless of how it presents, blame is an attempt to vent off pain. In the video at the bottom of this post, Brené Brown talks about the inverse relationship between blame and accountability/responsibility because accepting responsibility means feeling the pain of regret.

What to do about it: Accept Responsibility & and Look for Hidden Desires

The antidote for blame is to accept responsibility, even if only for some parts of the situation. Accepting responsibility reduces the strain on the conversation, and in your own mind so that you can capture those chances for connection with your partner.

Quite often, when blame is a part of conflict, taking a closer look at the situation will reveal that the person doing the blaming is secretly longing for something . . .they may not even be able to put words on it just yet. When you show them that you are willing to help shoulder the burden of the tension, they are far more likely to find the words to express those deeper needs and wants.

Why it is important to move away from blame

Here’s a short (and funny!) video by Dr. Brené Brown about Blame and how toxic it is in our lives.