Relationship Decisions

People frequently come to me with questions about whether or not to pursue a relationship. Questions like:

• Should we commit?
• Should we have kids?
• Should I propose?
• What if we want different amounts of alone time?
• How do I tell this person I care about that I’m not ready for marriage or kids?

I bet many of you are rattling off a variety of other questions that you have struggled with on your own paths. They are good questions. Learning to be OK with not knowing is part of what needs to happen. Remember that gaining clarity on where you stand on something is not the same thing as making a final decision; it’s just clarity.

How to gain clarity

While no single method will give you the black and white answer that you may be looking for, these methods can help you gain clarity by looking at your decision from different perspectives.

Pros and Cons list

This is exactly what it sounds like: write down the pros and cons of each choice you are facing. Take a few days to do this. You will find that various items will come to you at random times.

Beyond the basic pros and cons list, many people find more advanced versions to be helpful

Weighted Pros and Cons

Simply add a number from 1 to 10 next to each item where 1 is less important, and 10 is very important. Add up the numbers after you’ve spent a few days considering your options. Again, this should NOT make your decision for you, it just puts it in perspective. You might notice that either pros or cons are a shorter list but weigh more because of the numbers you assign.

Four Square Pros and Cons (weighted or unweighted)

By far the most advanced, this pros and cons list allows your brain to consider each perspective from opposite perspectives…in other words, I can say “Up” and “Opposite of Down” to refer to the same thing.

Let me provide an example to make this easier to explain: Let’s say you are deciding whether to accept a new job or not. To create the Four Square follow these steps:

1. 1. Divide a piece of paper into 4 equal sections (you can also use four separate pages for more room. Just arrange them as follows:
      1. Label the Top Left section “Pros of taking the new job”
      2. Label the Top Right section “Cons of taking the new job”
      3. Label the Bottom Left section “Pros of NOT taking the new job”
      4. Label the Bottom Right section “Cons of NOT taking the new job”
   2. Since you’ve gone this far, you might as well add weights to each item (1 to 10 where 10 is extremely important)

Notice that the Top Left (Pros of taking the job) and the bottom left (Cons of NOT taking the new job) are basically referring to the same idea: Reasons to take the new job. Same for the Top Right (Cons of taking the job) and Bottom Left (Pros of NOT taking the job)…these are referring to reasons to pass on the job. Your brain is just forced into looking at it from a different perspective.

Journaling – “Cathartic Writing”

Journaling is the most well-known example of Cathartic Writing (writing that allows expression of feelings). Writing, especially by hand (vs typing on a computer) causes your brain to engage more areas to process decisions that you are making about relationships: The visual cortex because you see what you are writing, the motor cortex because you are physically writing the words, even the auditory cortex because you can hear your pen/pencil writing on the paper (not to mention your internal dialogue). This provides you with more brainpower and more resources to work through those often-confusing relationship dynamics.

Generally speaking, focusing on a gratitude style journal is the most healthy way to go as it retrains your brain to look for opportunities to feel better. For example, writing down good things that you feel you bring to a relationship helps encourage those considerations. Having a separate journal where you vent problems about the relationship can be ok as long as it doesn’t cause you to feel worse. Generally speaking, it is not a good idea to review a problem-focused journal unless you are reflecting on gratitude for what you have overcome.

Other examples of cathartic writing would include story writing, songwriting, poetry, and letters (usually not designed to be sent).

Talk to people you trust

Be sure that you are respectful of the other person’s privacy. You will probably find that there are different people that you trust with different things to discuss. This is just fine, and even healthy. Knowing who to go to helps you feel more at ease when you open up. Examples of people you may trust include:

• Family
• Close friends
• Teachers
• Counselors
• Clergy

Meditate

A mindfulness practice like meditation directly re-wires your brain to be clearer. Three to five minutes in the morning and evening is all it takes, though 10-15 minutes is even better. When practiced daily, you increase connectivity and neuronal growth in the left medial prefrontal cortex, which is a part of the brain responsible for many pleasant feelings and attitudes like gratitude and optimism.

Pay attention to your intuition

Intuition is an inherently emotion-based experience. Since emotions are rooted in the unconscious mind, intuition is something that we “feel” (i.e. feelings are emotions). The unconscious mind is not encumbered with things like judgments, analysis paralysis, etc., so it is not prone to error.

---

To learn more about relationship dynamics, please visit my Couples Counseling page. Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.