You Cannot Bake the Cake then Add the Sugar

Posted by:

When you are in a relationship whether it is dating or marriage, you cannot simply plug in major corrections after the relationship has been established for some time . . . you must take the time to work through any hurt feelings, anger and resentment. Then as you move forward re-establishing trust, you are able to see if recovery is possible, and most often it is. But not if you simply try to behave better and expect immediate forgiveness and ...

Continue Reading →
0

Maybe the Squeaky Wheel Shouldn’t Get the Grease

Posted by:

We’ve all heard that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. It’s a saying that refers to our tendency to pay attention to things that are not going so well. The grease is our attention. And while it can be good advice, it’s not always the way to go. Sometimes we pay too much attention to the squeaking at the expense of all the wheels and gears that are working well. It is often equally important to provide preventative maintenance on ...

Continue Reading →
0

Rocks, Balloons, and Your Frame of Mind

Posted by:

In the same way that when you communicate with others your tone defines the intention of your message (ie saying, “Have a nice day” with a friendly tone vs saying the same thing with anger or contempt in your voice), how we frame our thoughts defines the impact the thought (or internal dialogue) has on our mindset.

The idea here is that attaching “rocks” to your thoughts will drag you down into unhealthy places whereas attaching “balloons” to your thoughts will ...

Continue Reading →
0

Feeding the Champion, Survivor, and Miracle Mind

Posted by:

There’s a simple parable that tells us that we all have a Black Wolf and a White Wolf that lives in our mind. The Black Wolf represents toxic thoughts and behaviors whereas the White Wolf represents healthy thoughts and behaviors. The wolf that sticks around is the one that you feed the most.

It is the strong White Wolf that creates that champion, the survivor and the miraculous mind (Let’s call all of these the Miracle Mind). A strong Black Wolf ...

Continue Reading →
0

Fear is not Predictive

Posted by:

When we are run down, tired, stressed, burnt out, etc. we tend to think that our worst fears are absolutely coming true. How many of us have gone into a meeting with a boss certain that we were about to get fired? That fear, however, was just motivating us to be prepared for the meeting; prepared to accept responsibility for an incomplete project, or numbers that were not up to standard. Then we get to the meeting only to ...

Continue Reading →
0

Dealing with Toxic People

Posted by:

I’ve been seeing a lot of attention on how to recognize and minimize contact with toxic people, and while this is helpful so that you can take appropriate steps to insulate yourself, it is also helpful to know how to deal with, or even help (when possible) a toxic person rather than abandoning them completely. While it is important to not feed into their toxic methods, there are ways to try and deal with toxic friends and family members that ...

Continue Reading →
0

Understanding Toxic People

Posted by:

I have seen an uptick in toxic people becoming more resentful and toxic due to total abandonment by good people that are good friends completely pulling away. Almost always, these people have tried repeatedly to help the toxic individual become better friends, but after some time, they see no option but to either get sucked into the negative vortex or pull away and protect their own healthy life. There are other options, but you must know when it is time ...

Continue Reading →
0

Understanding the Problem Doesn’t Guarantee its Resolution

Posted by:

Sometimes people come into my office searching for why things are the way they are. . . why they feel the way they feel or behave the way they behave. While these introspective questions are important as motivations for practicing introspection, it’s important to remember that making life changes is more about the ‘how’ of the solution than the ‘why’ of the problem.

For example, a common approach to understanding adult behavior is to look at childhood family dynamics. While the ...

Continue Reading →
0

Ambivalence Doesn’t Mean Feeling Neutral

Posted by:

Many people confuse ambivalence with simply feeling neutral, or not having strong feelings about something. In truth, ambivalence refers to having opposing feelings about the same issue. For example, I really want to eat broccoli because of its health benefits, but I hate the taste, so I want it and I don’t want it at the same time; I’m ambivalent. Another example is I really love the beach, but I don’t feel like dealing with all of the heat, and ...

Continue Reading →
0

Mindfulness and honesty

Posted by:

To completely experience the here-and-now, truthful mindfulness is required. Mindfulness and honesty are intricately intertwined as you must be completely honest with yourself about what is going on at any given moment.

Genuine honesty first relates to one’s inner truth about instincts and emotions—even when conflicting or involving ambivalence. Once this inner-genuineness is addressed, it relates to congruence in action and speech towards others.

This sort of mindful honesty is easily recognized. For example, one can clearly tell the difference between ...

Continue Reading →
0

Mindfulness: Intellectual Understanding and Experiential Knowing

Posted by:

In practicing mindfulness, both intellectual understanding AND experiential knowing of things are important as both are quite real and “of-the-mind.” Think of intellectual understanding as knowing something ‘in-theory,’ whereas experiential knowing goes beyond theory and is actually experienced in reality. I intellectually understand what jumping out of a plane must be like, but I do not experientially know it. My intellectual understanding is enough to tell me, “Nope!” My experiential knowing knows how grateful I am to listen to ...

Continue Reading →
0

Creating the Mindful Mind

Posted by:

Mindfulness is a word that is becoming more and more familiar to the general public. And I’m glad the word is being used so much; it bodes well in a world that is full of so much violence and heartache. A mindful mind helps relieve suffering because it is a practice of noticing what “is” but without the addition of judgment of good or bad etc. Think of a time when you’ve done something that physically hurt, but rather ...

Continue Reading →
0

Mindfulness Practice

Posted by:

Look at the child in this picture. That stare . . . it’s called the 10,000-mile stare and you see it when somebody is totally absorbed in the moment. His eyes are open, but he is completely present with the smell of the flower. That’s mindfulness: absorption in the present moment. No judgment, just presence.

Simply noticing what is. Not judging it, not making assumptions as to why it is this way or that. Just allowing your mind to do what ...

Continue Reading →
0

Mindfulness Series

Posted by:

I last posted a series of articles on the basics of the emotional experience. I’ve discussed the importance of mindfulness in almost every post on my blog, so I figure that doing a brief series on mindfulness would be helpful.

New mindfulness-focused posts will appear at the top of the main blog page, but here’s a list of previously published posts that are specifically focused on Mindfulness (vs posts that only reference mindfulness):

Continue Reading →
0
Page 1 of 7 12345...»